Today...

I'm not ok. :(

How I've Been

I don't even know, to be honest. Well, I've been better. In both senses of the phrase. I've been better like, things are lame and I've been better; but I also HAVE been doing better than I was a few days ago. After reading everyones e-mails and all that stuff, and even talking to Brett a little bit, I decided that I really do need to focus on myself and stop worrying about the relationship I don't currently have. So, that's what I'm doing. Gonna have SO much fun with my family and my friends over Winter Break!! By this time next week I'll be home!! OMG I am sooo excited.

But first I gotta get through finals. I only have three.. so it's not too bad. And I've done fairly well on all my Chemistry ones, so I'm not worried about that.. It's really only my Statistics final that I'm stressed about. But I'm sure I'll do fine.


Last night we went to the undefeated NAU Ice Jacks hockey game against ASU, which I guess is our number one rival.. And unfortunately we lost :( But!! It was such a CRAZY and out of control game.. like we lost in the last 30 seconds.. But it was SO much fun. I LOVE hockey games.. and I didn't even know it!! They're just so much fun hahaha.. the fans were sooo vulgar last night it was cracking me up!!

Anyways, I should go study now. :) Gym later today (Lord knows I need it..) and then getting prettied up in case anything should go on after the hockey game tonight!! :)

Breakups are hard.

I need to get over myself. Seriously. Like, yeah this sucks, but I'll be okay. If it's meant to be, then it will be. So, I'll give him his space, I'll take my space and make myself stronger. I am SO thankful for the amazing friends and family I have by my side every step of the way..

My besties haven't gone a second without texting me, talking when I want to, and changing the subject when I don't want to talk about it. I love those girls with all my heart, and can't wait to see them next week :)

Anyways, I'm putting these up here so that I can read them easier without opening all of my emails all the time. Seriously, God blessed me hardcore with amazing people like them in my life.



"Tracy-- If that's what he wants is space, provide it. I think that he may
be confused also..but he was just in nuts over you too..As they say LOVE
HURTS, I too went thur a handful of girls/ladies that I say I loved before
the correct one came along (your mom!!), it takes time for relationships to
build, just think back about how many years you guys knew of each-other but
were not an issue, how you guys finaly hooked up..ect, yea TC it is hard,
but keep you head clear and strong,,god has a plan for you and some person
out their for you..I love ya dearly, now go enjoy the gym.. love DAD"


"I was very sad when I saw your posting last night. If things work out, great. If not, you will survive and move on because you are a very strong person. As I frequently tell Steph, guys can be "jerks" and that will never change. You have a lot of people who care about you and I am one of them. I know you have a great Mom but sometimes you just need to talk to another adult. If you ever want to talk, just email me or call me. I love you!! Sandi"


"Hey Tracy!!! How are things? I was just reading your blog and the first one mentiond that you and Brett aren't together. Are you okay? I know how hard it can be to be apart. My husband has been away more than we have been together. The only thing that helps us get through is that we do truely love each other. If the two of you are truely in love, then you will make it through this. From what I can see you do love each other very much. You can see it in the pics and when you are together. One thing I have learned is that relationships aren't easy. They take work if you want them to last. It is so worth it when the work you put out means you get to keep the one you love. I try to look at things in the long run and not the right now. I'm not always happy in the right now with Greg and my situation, but when I look at it in the long run, I can't picture my life without him. The work now is worth it!!!! I hope you both work it out. If you need to talk don't hesitate to give me a call.

Take Care and see you soon!!

Jaime"


AND I CAN NOT AND WOULD NOT FORGET MY AMAZING MOTHER. EVEN MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, SHE HAS BEEN RIGHT BY MY SIDE THE ENTIRE TIME. GRANTED YES IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS, BUT I THINK I'VE CALLED HER ABOUT 10 TIMES JUST TO TALK, TO STOP MY CRYING BEFORE I GO TO BED.. SHE HAS BEEN SO HELPFUL THROUGH ALL OF THIS.. BEING SENSITIVE AND UNDERSTANDING WHEN SHE KNOWS I'M JUST HURTING, OR BEING TOUGH ON ME AND TELLING ME THINGS I DON'T WANT TO HEAR, WHEN I'M BEING STUPID AND STUBBORN. MOM, YOU'RE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE ALL YOU DO FOR ME. YOU HAVE MADE ME SUCH A STRONGER PERSON, AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT. YOU ARE HANDS DOWN THE MOST AMAZING MOTHER EVER. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO.

Posting Craze.

There probably will be a lot of posts for a little while, as random thoughts pop into my head, or things I just want to write down.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who is such an amazing woman, I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She's the only one who can really calm me down right now and look at what I need to do to make this work. I feel so much better after talking to her. I'm going to have to leave Brett alone for a while, give him his space, and work on making myself happy and healthy again. She said that if he really loves me (which her AND my dad think he really does love me..) then it will make him happy and he will want to be with me.


I love him so much. This is going to be so hard. I already miss all the stupid cute little things he does. The way he talks nonsense in his sleep, or how he kisses my head when we're cuddling watching a movie.. how he gives my mom big hugs when we're leaving.. how my dad always trys to make random conversation with him.. it's all so amazing. He is such an amazing guy and I know my love for him isn't going to go away just because I have to give him space. I love everything about him, his determination, his want for me to succeed, how much he cares about his friends, that he has a hobby that he really loves, learning more about his family, I'm going to miss watching the clock to text him on his morning break and his lunch break.. and getting phone calls every night just to talk, I'll miss having someone care where I'm going on the weekends, or who I'm hanging out with, I'm going to miss being able to tell him how much I love him.. I'm going to miss it all..





"Well I guess everything dies baby that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back"

"Have faith that things will work out for the best, that whatever sent us off in different directions is the very same thing that will bring us back together."

Love Lost.

I'm hurting so bad right now. Trying to keep it to myself, to pretend like I'm happy, but I don't really know how. I'm just flat out SAD.

I am really going to miss him. I already do. I already missed him while he was mine, but now how am I supposed to do this? He's everything perfect. I love everything about him. I don't know what happened or why things started to change :( I love him so much.. This hurts so bad.. :'(

I hope he misses me. I hope more than anything that he realizes that he needs me.. because it sure as hell feels like I need him. He made me so happy, yet I took it for granted and ruined everything :( I'll never find a man as amazing as him.


:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

:)

My life is MINE. And I'm starting to realize that again. I'm confused about what I want, and it's scary, and it sucks, but I'll always be me and thats good enough for me.

I have amazing friends and an amazing family :)

Monday Update.

So, I just have one thing to state first.

I HAVE THE BEST BEST FRIENDS EVER!!! They are amazzzziiinggg and I don't know what I would do without them. I have ONE rough scary terrifying night, and from 500 miles away they STILL know how to comfort me!!! :] Lindsey and Elizabeth I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!!!


Anyways, Thanksgiving break was nice, I'm excited to go home again (sorry maurice) haha. It will be so nice to spend time with my family and my friends!! And maybe my boyfriend if he's being nice ;] hahaha. just kidding.. kindaaa.


Anyways, this week is reading week and I have two lab finals and then three finals next week.. ahhh kill me nowww i hate finals and have NO motivation what so ever!!!


ok thats all byee