Somedays vs Other Days..

I guess some days I'm just going to wake up and miss him. Last night I was doing so good, getting to know new people.. then all of a sudden I felt really sad. I miss him. So much. :(

I know I just posted but..

"But the fact of the matter is that theres not one person that i know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. And her big problem is that you really like her. I mean, she is the one girl you really liked. And no matter what she did and how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance."

-The Breakup.

New Years. 2009...

The night was good. It was hard, like I was expecting it to be, but it was good. We went up to Samie's aunts house in Jamul and had a bunch of friends together and drank and had a good time. I shed my really sad, painful tears at midnight.. It was so so hard to watch basically EVERYONE there kissing someone and just knowing how happy they are.. and that I had that before and now I don't.. it really broke my heart. But my friends pulled me together and I ended up having a fun night.

I've been trying to stay busy as much as I can, and let myself relax when I feel the sadness building up inside. I would be doing much better, but I let myself talk to Brett again these last few days, and my heart just broke again. So, from now on.. I know I can't do that. It sucks because I'm really going to miss him.. I'm so in love with him and I care about him so much.. I really wish that we could have worked things out.. But I guess it's better to be out now than later on down the road when things got more serious and we got more involved.. But he's really one of those amazing boys who will have an amazing life.. and I hope I run into him again later on down the road..


As for 2009..

I want to be more independent. I want to be able to find more happiness within myself. And not need ANY other person to bring that happiness to me. But I don't mean that I will shut other people out. Rather, I want to use my self-happiness to make other people happy. Anyone, really. Family, friends, complete strangers.. If I can brighten the day of another person then I will be happy. I want to let this pain go away, slowly but surely. I want to learn from the love I had. I want to open my heart again, not to another man, but to the world.. I want to learn something new. I want to do something that I've always wanted to do. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to learn more in school. I want 2009 to be MY year. Mine, alone.

Dear Brett...

I know you won't ever read this. But I also know that I can't talk to you.. So I guess this is my idea of getting out all the thoughts I can't say to you.. I can't believe we're over.. I love you so much. And I guess I knew the breakup was coming, I knew that things were getting bad.. And I could tell you didn't love me anymore.. But I just.. I guess I just don't know WHAT happened. What did I do to make you stop loving me? How am I supposed to be okay right now? This hurts SO bad. And I don't want you to know that, but I am just ABSOLUTELY, completely, one hundred percent heartbroken. I don't understand why you would want to break up with me.. just so you can party on the weekends while I'm at school.. How can that be more important to you? I guess it's the memories that are killing me.. those times when you told me "I want us to make it tracy, I know we can"...when I didn't want to get into this relationship with you while I was at school.. but you promised me that we could do it.. well I guess you finally understood what I meant when I said that the long distance was hard.. huh.. :( Those times when you told me you would wait for me to finish college in Arizona.. that I was worth it.. so what now? Now I'm not..? :( That you didn't mind.. "waitin on a woman..". I guess I just feel like you let other people take over the way you feel. You moved in with your best friend and all of a sudden you were more interested in having drunk fun every weekend then you were interested in hanging out with me. I KNEW that would happen and it did. :(


I guess.. I understand. If you feel like you want to be crazy and young and have fun, then that's fine. I'm sorry I wasted your time.

I miss you so much though.. It's coming to 9 am right now and I know I won't get a text from you. And then again at 11:30.. I won't get a text from you then either. And it kills me.. I didn't have one from you at 5:30 this morning.. I feel so lost without you.. You were such an important part of my life and I want to thank you for that.. I just wish things never had to change. I wish you could have stuck it out. ..To know that I just met so much of your family.. I'm going to miss them so much. I wanted us so bad Brett.. I was so in love with you.. I enjoyed every moment I spent with you and your family.. and now I know that they're never going to see me again.. and I wonder what you're going to say when they ask you where I am.. or what happened between us.. :(

I dunno. I guess I just can't get my head around the question of how you can not love me anymore.. how come this isn't tearing you up like it's tearing me apart. :( I don't want you to be sad.. that's not what I mean. I just don't understand how you can be fine.. When you go to bed tonight does it hurt not to text me? When you wake up in the morning is it weird not to send me a text? Or to not be texting me right now? Or know that I'm here for two more weeks.. and you won't see me? That New Years Eve is right around the corner and there is no one else I would rather spend it with than you.. But now I don't get to? :(

I wish I could get rid of all the good memories. For right now at least. It hurts so bad to think of how much fun we had.. The random plans we had.. Like hiking those crazy hikes at the Grand Canyon together.. or going to the river together.. :(

I know we can't get back together, and that's what breaks my heart the most. That even if you somehow, miraculously came running back to me, that we couldn't get back together. Because of what you said about people making fun of you. That hurts my feelings so bad. To know that the people you care about the most, your family, your best friend.. made a joke out of us.. I know our relationship was screwed up and that I'm crazy.. but I always thought that's why you loved me.. :( why did you have to let them get to you.. But I guess you don't have to worry about that now.. I'll just stay out of your life..


But have fun. I love you. :(

Why

are boys so stupid :( how come he can't just GET how i feel. like honestly. yeah maybe i'm being stupid and overreacting to NOTHING but it still should matter that i'm upset. honestly. i hope things get better, i really really do.. because i am so so so in love with him but sometimes i look at him and i just wonder why he is still with me. not to say that he doesn't love me.. but i just.. i don't think i really matter much. just like.. it's almost christmas.. and no i don't really want a present from him.. but when i think about him saying that its because "he doesn't have any money right now".. and then he tells me about how he just bought like 3 new shirts AND a new sweatshirt.. i guess it just makes me feel kind of sad. and how he doesn't know what he's going to do on new years.. how it will just be a "last minute thing".. that wouldn't bother me if we weren't together.. but i'm his girlfriend.. why doesn't he want to spend that with me? and after this weekend.. him looking like he had NO fun at all when he hung out with me and my family and friends like.. i could never ask him to come with me.. i dunno. maybe i just expect to much. but he IS my boyfriend.. :( i dunno. it just sucks because i love him sooo much. like i LOVE this guy and i just want things to go back to how they were.. when he was totally crazy about me. :( blahhhh. ok..


i probably shouldn't be writing a blog about this.. because its no ones business and i should keep it to myself, and i love him and i don't want to lose him.. but yeah.. anyways..

Random Thought..

So, this is really random. And a lot of people are probably going to laugh at me for this. Hahaha. But I have this really crazy fear. I think that I'm totally scared that I'm not going to fall in love and get married. And yeah, that part sucks.. but the part that REALLY scares me is that I won't be able to have my own children. I want kids SO bad! I can definitely tell my biological clock has started ticking- Hahaha. Maybe I should just get a job where I work with kids. But seriously, whenever little kids come into my work, it makes me wish I was a Mom! I mean, you can tell there is like, no greater love in the world than a mother's love to her children. I want that! Aw kids are sooo cute. I already love my future little babies sooo much. Now I just need to keep a steady relationship and have a man who loves me so much and wants to marry my crazy self and then I can have babies.. ahhh!!!

The Secrets?

Can someone PLEASE tell me what the secret to a successful relationship is? Because I would really like to make this work. :) Thanks!! :)