I've written about this before..

There's no doubt about that. I WANT TO FREAKING LOSE WEIGHT!!! Ahhh. I was looking in the mirror today and I just do NOT like what I see!! I wanna be able to wear cute short shorts in the summertime.. and have cute skinny muscular legs ...not the big fat ones that I currently have!! Ohhh why must it be SO hard to eat healthy at school? They say it's easy, but really it's NOT!! errrrr.. Whateverrrrr.


I need more time. haha

Things Change..

So much has changed recently. Winter Break wasn't everything I expected. I miss my best friends so much. I feel like.. I dunno.. like I'm the only one who still cares. I want us three to go back to being so close.. I HATE not hearing from them every day.. I miss them so much. :( Maybe it's all my fault.. maybe I pushed them away, I don't know. I don't know when things changed.. Girls if you read this I miss you so much. I miss us being US so much.. Sigh. :(

Continuation of Whining..

So I guess it's all hitting me right now. Hopefully it's one of the last times.. It's bittersweet, that's for sure. I'm packing up to get ready to leave tomorrow.. Leave Santee.. I'm going to have an amazing weekend.. going to Phoenix and hanging out with some really good friends, then going to Supercross on Saturday.. but right now I'm not excited. Because I know that leaving here means I'm really leaving without him. He's really gone.. he's really not mine anymore.. the breakup really happened and I'm really going to have to get on with my life. :( I miss him so much.. I wish I could be happy all the time and never get sad when I think about it.. But it's weird leaving without making plans to be with him tonight.. It'll be weird without having a kiss goodbye.. :( It'll be sad.. really sad.. it's really over.. :(

Somedays vs Other Days..

I guess some days I'm just going to wake up and miss him. Last night I was doing so good, getting to know new people.. then all of a sudden I felt really sad. I miss him. So much. :(

I know I just posted but..

"But the fact of the matter is that theres not one person that i know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. And her big problem is that you really like her. I mean, she is the one girl you really liked. And no matter what she did and how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance."

-The Breakup.

New Years. 2009...

The night was good. It was hard, like I was expecting it to be, but it was good. We went up to Samie's aunts house in Jamul and had a bunch of friends together and drank and had a good time. I shed my really sad, painful tears at midnight.. It was so so hard to watch basically EVERYONE there kissing someone and just knowing how happy they are.. and that I had that before and now I don't.. it really broke my heart. But my friends pulled me together and I ended up having a fun night.

I've been trying to stay busy as much as I can, and let myself relax when I feel the sadness building up inside. I would be doing much better, but I let myself talk to Brett again these last few days, and my heart just broke again. So, from now on.. I know I can't do that. It sucks because I'm really going to miss him.. I'm so in love with him and I care about him so much.. I really wish that we could have worked things out.. But I guess it's better to be out now than later on down the road when things got more serious and we got more involved.. But he's really one of those amazing boys who will have an amazing life.. and I hope I run into him again later on down the road..


As for 2009..

I want to be more independent. I want to be able to find more happiness within myself. And not need ANY other person to bring that happiness to me. But I don't mean that I will shut other people out. Rather, I want to use my self-happiness to make other people happy. Anyone, really. Family, friends, complete strangers.. If I can brighten the day of another person then I will be happy. I want to let this pain go away, slowly but surely. I want to learn from the love I had. I want to open my heart again, not to another man, but to the world.. I want to learn something new. I want to do something that I've always wanted to do. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to learn more in school. I want 2009 to be MY year. Mine, alone.