Dear Brett...

I know you won't ever read this. But I also know that I can't talk to you.. So I guess this is my idea of getting out all the thoughts I can't say to you.. I can't believe we're over.. I love you so much. And I guess I knew the breakup was coming, I knew that things were getting bad.. And I could tell you didn't love me anymore.. But I just.. I guess I just don't know WHAT happened. What did I do to make you stop loving me? How am I supposed to be okay right now? This hurts SO bad. And I don't want you to know that, but I am just ABSOLUTELY, completely, one hundred percent heartbroken. I don't understand why you would want to break up with me.. just so you can party on the weekends while I'm at school.. How can that be more important to you? I guess it's the memories that are killing me.. those times when you told me "I want us to make it tracy, I know we can"...when I didn't want to get into this relationship with you while I was at school.. but you promised me that we could do it.. well I guess you finally understood what I meant when I said that the long distance was hard.. huh.. :( Those times when you told me you would wait for me to finish college in Arizona.. that I was worth it.. so what now? Now I'm not..? :( That you didn't mind.. "waitin on a woman..". I guess I just feel like you let other people take over the way you feel. You moved in with your best friend and all of a sudden you were more interested in having drunk fun every weekend then you were interested in hanging out with me. I KNEW that would happen and it did. :(


I guess.. I understand. If you feel like you want to be crazy and young and have fun, then that's fine. I'm sorry I wasted your time.

I miss you so much though.. It's coming to 9 am right now and I know I won't get a text from you. And then again at 11:30.. I won't get a text from you then either. And it kills me.. I didn't have one from you at 5:30 this morning.. I feel so lost without you.. You were such an important part of my life and I want to thank you for that.. I just wish things never had to change. I wish you could have stuck it out. ..To know that I just met so much of your family.. I'm going to miss them so much. I wanted us so bad Brett.. I was so in love with you.. I enjoyed every moment I spent with you and your family.. and now I know that they're never going to see me again.. and I wonder what you're going to say when they ask you where I am.. or what happened between us.. :(

I dunno. I guess I just can't get my head around the question of how you can not love me anymore.. how come this isn't tearing you up like it's tearing me apart. :( I don't want you to be sad.. that's not what I mean. I just don't understand how you can be fine.. When you go to bed tonight does it hurt not to text me? When you wake up in the morning is it weird not to send me a text? Or to not be texting me right now? Or know that I'm here for two more weeks.. and you won't see me? That New Years Eve is right around the corner and there is no one else I would rather spend it with than you.. But now I don't get to? :(

I wish I could get rid of all the good memories. For right now at least. It hurts so bad to think of how much fun we had.. The random plans we had.. Like hiking those crazy hikes at the Grand Canyon together.. or going to the river together.. :(

I know we can't get back together, and that's what breaks my heart the most. That even if you somehow, miraculously came running back to me, that we couldn't get back together. Because of what you said about people making fun of you. That hurts my feelings so bad. To know that the people you care about the most, your family, your best friend.. made a joke out of us.. I know our relationship was screwed up and that I'm crazy.. but I always thought that's why you loved me.. :( why did you have to let them get to you.. But I guess you don't have to worry about that now.. I'll just stay out of your life..


But have fun. I love you. :(

Why

are boys so stupid :( how come he can't just GET how i feel. like honestly. yeah maybe i'm being stupid and overreacting to NOTHING but it still should matter that i'm upset. honestly. i hope things get better, i really really do.. because i am so so so in love with him but sometimes i look at him and i just wonder why he is still with me. not to say that he doesn't love me.. but i just.. i don't think i really matter much. just like.. it's almost christmas.. and no i don't really want a present from him.. but when i think about him saying that its because "he doesn't have any money right now".. and then he tells me about how he just bought like 3 new shirts AND a new sweatshirt.. i guess it just makes me feel kind of sad. and how he doesn't know what he's going to do on new years.. how it will just be a "last minute thing".. that wouldn't bother me if we weren't together.. but i'm his girlfriend.. why doesn't he want to spend that with me? and after this weekend.. him looking like he had NO fun at all when he hung out with me and my family and friends like.. i could never ask him to come with me.. i dunno. maybe i just expect to much. but he IS my boyfriend.. :( i dunno. it just sucks because i love him sooo much. like i LOVE this guy and i just want things to go back to how they were.. when he was totally crazy about me. :( blahhhh. ok..


i probably shouldn't be writing a blog about this.. because its no ones business and i should keep it to myself, and i love him and i don't want to lose him.. but yeah.. anyways..

Random Thought..

So, this is really random. And a lot of people are probably going to laugh at me for this. Hahaha. But I have this really crazy fear. I think that I'm totally scared that I'm not going to fall in love and get married. And yeah, that part sucks.. but the part that REALLY scares me is that I won't be able to have my own children. I want kids SO bad! I can definitely tell my biological clock has started ticking- Hahaha. Maybe I should just get a job where I work with kids. But seriously, whenever little kids come into my work, it makes me wish I was a Mom! I mean, you can tell there is like, no greater love in the world than a mother's love to her children. I want that! Aw kids are sooo cute. I already love my future little babies sooo much. Now I just need to keep a steady relationship and have a man who loves me so much and wants to marry my crazy self and then I can have babies.. ahhh!!!

The Secrets?

Can someone PLEASE tell me what the secret to a successful relationship is? Because I would really like to make this work. :) Thanks!! :)

Today...

I'm not ok. :(

How I've Been

I don't even know, to be honest. Well, I've been better. In both senses of the phrase. I've been better like, things are lame and I've been better; but I also HAVE been doing better than I was a few days ago. After reading everyones e-mails and all that stuff, and even talking to Brett a little bit, I decided that I really do need to focus on myself and stop worrying about the relationship I don't currently have. So, that's what I'm doing. Gonna have SO much fun with my family and my friends over Winter Break!! By this time next week I'll be home!! OMG I am sooo excited.

But first I gotta get through finals. I only have three.. so it's not too bad. And I've done fairly well on all my Chemistry ones, so I'm not worried about that.. It's really only my Statistics final that I'm stressed about. But I'm sure I'll do fine.


Last night we went to the undefeated NAU Ice Jacks hockey game against ASU, which I guess is our number one rival.. And unfortunately we lost :( But!! It was such a CRAZY and out of control game.. like we lost in the last 30 seconds.. But it was SO much fun. I LOVE hockey games.. and I didn't even know it!! They're just so much fun hahaha.. the fans were sooo vulgar last night it was cracking me up!!

Anyways, I should go study now. :) Gym later today (Lord knows I need it..) and then getting prettied up in case anything should go on after the hockey game tonight!! :)

Breakups are hard.

I need to get over myself. Seriously. Like, yeah this sucks, but I'll be okay. If it's meant to be, then it will be. So, I'll give him his space, I'll take my space and make myself stronger. I am SO thankful for the amazing friends and family I have by my side every step of the way..

My besties haven't gone a second without texting me, talking when I want to, and changing the subject when I don't want to talk about it. I love those girls with all my heart, and can't wait to see them next week :)

Anyways, I'm putting these up here so that I can read them easier without opening all of my emails all the time. Seriously, God blessed me hardcore with amazing people like them in my life.



"Tracy-- If that's what he wants is space, provide it. I think that he may
be confused also..but he was just in nuts over you too..As they say LOVE
HURTS, I too went thur a handful of girls/ladies that I say I loved before
the correct one came along (your mom!!), it takes time for relationships to
build, just think back about how many years you guys knew of each-other but
were not an issue, how you guys finaly hooked up..ect, yea TC it is hard,
but keep you head clear and strong,,god has a plan for you and some person
out their for you..I love ya dearly, now go enjoy the gym.. love DAD"


"I was very sad when I saw your posting last night. If things work out, great. If not, you will survive and move on because you are a very strong person. As I frequently tell Steph, guys can be "jerks" and that will never change. You have a lot of people who care about you and I am one of them. I know you have a great Mom but sometimes you just need to talk to another adult. If you ever want to talk, just email me or call me. I love you!! Sandi"


"Hey Tracy!!! How are things? I was just reading your blog and the first one mentiond that you and Brett aren't together. Are you okay? I know how hard it can be to be apart. My husband has been away more than we have been together. The only thing that helps us get through is that we do truely love each other. If the two of you are truely in love, then you will make it through this. From what I can see you do love each other very much. You can see it in the pics and when you are together. One thing I have learned is that relationships aren't easy. They take work if you want them to last. It is so worth it when the work you put out means you get to keep the one you love. I try to look at things in the long run and not the right now. I'm not always happy in the right now with Greg and my situation, but when I look at it in the long run, I can't picture my life without him. The work now is worth it!!!! I hope you both work it out. If you need to talk don't hesitate to give me a call.

Take Care and see you soon!!

Jaime"


AND I CAN NOT AND WOULD NOT FORGET MY AMAZING MOTHER. EVEN MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, SHE HAS BEEN RIGHT BY MY SIDE THE ENTIRE TIME. GRANTED YES IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS, BUT I THINK I'VE CALLED HER ABOUT 10 TIMES JUST TO TALK, TO STOP MY CRYING BEFORE I GO TO BED.. SHE HAS BEEN SO HELPFUL THROUGH ALL OF THIS.. BEING SENSITIVE AND UNDERSTANDING WHEN SHE KNOWS I'M JUST HURTING, OR BEING TOUGH ON ME AND TELLING ME THINGS I DON'T WANT TO HEAR, WHEN I'M BEING STUPID AND STUBBORN. MOM, YOU'RE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE ALL YOU DO FOR ME. YOU HAVE MADE ME SUCH A STRONGER PERSON, AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT. YOU ARE HANDS DOWN THE MOST AMAZING MOTHER EVER. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO.

Posting Craze.

There probably will be a lot of posts for a little while, as random thoughts pop into my head, or things I just want to write down.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who is such an amazing woman, I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She's the only one who can really calm me down right now and look at what I need to do to make this work. I feel so much better after talking to her. I'm going to have to leave Brett alone for a while, give him his space, and work on making myself happy and healthy again. She said that if he really loves me (which her AND my dad think he really does love me..) then it will make him happy and he will want to be with me.


I love him so much. This is going to be so hard. I already miss all the stupid cute little things he does. The way he talks nonsense in his sleep, or how he kisses my head when we're cuddling watching a movie.. how he gives my mom big hugs when we're leaving.. how my dad always trys to make random conversation with him.. it's all so amazing. He is such an amazing guy and I know my love for him isn't going to go away just because I have to give him space. I love everything about him, his determination, his want for me to succeed, how much he cares about his friends, that he has a hobby that he really loves, learning more about his family, I'm going to miss watching the clock to text him on his morning break and his lunch break.. and getting phone calls every night just to talk, I'll miss having someone care where I'm going on the weekends, or who I'm hanging out with, I'm going to miss being able to tell him how much I love him.. I'm going to miss it all..





"Well I guess everything dies baby that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back"

"Have faith that things will work out for the best, that whatever sent us off in different directions is the very same thing that will bring us back together."

Love Lost.

I'm hurting so bad right now. Trying to keep it to myself, to pretend like I'm happy, but I don't really know how. I'm just flat out SAD.

I am really going to miss him. I already do. I already missed him while he was mine, but now how am I supposed to do this? He's everything perfect. I love everything about him. I don't know what happened or why things started to change :( I love him so much.. This hurts so bad.. :'(

I hope he misses me. I hope more than anything that he realizes that he needs me.. because it sure as hell feels like I need him. He made me so happy, yet I took it for granted and ruined everything :( I'll never find a man as amazing as him.


:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

:)

My life is MINE. And I'm starting to realize that again. I'm confused about what I want, and it's scary, and it sucks, but I'll always be me and thats good enough for me.

I have amazing friends and an amazing family :)

Monday Update.

So, I just have one thing to state first.

I HAVE THE BEST BEST FRIENDS EVER!!! They are amazzzziiinggg and I don't know what I would do without them. I have ONE rough scary terrifying night, and from 500 miles away they STILL know how to comfort me!!! :] Lindsey and Elizabeth I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!!!


Anyways, Thanksgiving break was nice, I'm excited to go home again (sorry maurice) haha. It will be so nice to spend time with my family and my friends!! And maybe my boyfriend if he's being nice ;] hahaha. just kidding.. kindaaa.


Anyways, this week is reading week and I have two lab finals and then three finals next week.. ahhh kill me nowww i hate finals and have NO motivation what so ever!!!


ok thats all byee