Monday, November 30, 2009

Good morning

Hello everyone. Well, everyone who reads this. I hope you all have a beautifully blessed week! :)

I had the luck to get to go home for the past 5 days and i had SUCH a great time. It was different, not going to lie, spending soo much time with my family, whereas I used to spend the majority of my time trying to figure out when I would see my boyfriend. It was so nice! :) I enjoyed it so much. Playing with my little niece and nephew, hanging out with my sister and older niece, and my parents. Not to mention seeing all my extended family too! :) It was awesome, and I had such a great time. Didn't make it to the beach, AGAIN.. so that will have to be done a lot when I'm in town for winter break..

Speaking of winter break.. I come home for that in 11 little days! :) So this week is reading week (and I have 1 final) and then I have finals until the next Thursday and then it is back to home sweet home for me! :)

Hey, guys. I have a prayer request. I told Brett to stop texting me last night. After some conversation & tears (on my side at least), I think I got through to him. I just would love it if you guys would pray for strength for me. It's going to be hard to deal with this, I miss that guy EVERY day and I still want to love him, and I need help realizing that I AM strong enough to do this without him, without ANY guy for that matter.. that I need to stop focusing on needing or wanting a guy. Any prayers would help, or encouraging words, or advice, or anything. Thanks you guys, soo much. <3


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

turn out the lights, just say goodnight to yourself, may I remind you when you find your all alone is when you got to be STRONG! thats when he'll call you in the night, hes got your picture in his mind, hes got your number on a paper, at his disposal anytime. Is it really true? can you save yourself for someone who cou...ld love you for you, so many times we just give it away...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Being treated like crap is just not fun. Especially when it is by some of your closest friends. Like, I have a feeling that some of my closest friends, whom I have called my best friends for YEARS upon years, just don't really like me. I don't know why I feel this way, MAYBE it's my imagination. But I really don't feel like it is. I feel like they think that they are better than me, and that they don't really care about my feelings or our friendship at all for that matter. They only think about themselves and think that they are all high and mighty, like I can't see through their fake relationships with me.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to react to this realization.

But it sucks, a lot.

I wish they cared about how much it hurts not to be wanted. To not feel good enough to be their friend. It's stupid and I shouldn't care, but I love these girls, they ARE friends.. to me at least..

That's all..

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Well, I am kinda disgusted with myself. I have been sick this last week and haven't really been paying attention to the foods I have been eating, and when looking at my body, I can really tell. I'm grossed out when I look in the mirror. I'm going to start eating less again. Maybe with the exception of Thanksgiving day dinner. But that's it. I'm so over being fat and unattractive.

On the way to a whole new me..

Sunday, November 8, 2009

so keep your head up

and for now just keep making it through the days

then after you're making it through, then you can start to try to feel better

and then you can start to rebuild.

its a process haha

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Nothing New.

You've all heard this before, every single part of it. So I don't know why I still feel hurt by it.. or why anyone listens to my complaining anymore.. But I told Brett last night that I can't do it anymore. I wish that I could. But I care more than he does, and that doesn't seem fair to me. I have to take care of myself. It's hard. It's almost like it was easier to just pretend like the loved me as much as I wanted and needed him to.. even though he didn't.. It's going to be really hard to really let this go this time. I love that man with all my heart and was willing to wait, but I don't think he is ever going to love me that deeply. Not now at least, not while I'm here and he is there. Maybe someday, who knows. But I won't count on it. I'm going to post some of the encouraging words I got last night from my friends who were attempting to comfort me..

"Aww Trace. I don't know how either but you can and you will. You are my sister and we will get you through this." -AM

"But that's not good enough girl. you deserve something real. beacuse you're amazing. and you deserve someone who recognizes that and treats you like a princess." LD

"i know. but girl you're holding onto something that isn't really there.. that you just want to believe is there still :( and that's whats so hard is that you're used to it and you're comfortable. but you just need to know that you deserve better." LD

"exactly. you deserve someone who makes you happy all the time. not someone that you have to keep telling yourself will one daymake you happy or that he tries to love you but doesn't know how. you need someone who loves you and knows he does and does everything he can to show you that he does. someone like that does exist." LD

"Cry your heart out tonight girl. Then tomorrow is a new day, hold your head up and know that you're better off without him and that you're giving someone else the chance to really love you!" EC

"I know you did! But this happens every time, you always end up hurt and crying when he doesn't seem to do much. you deserve way better! seriously! i know you're thinking that i don't understand and that i don't know your guyss love, which is true, but i do know that you should be happier more times than sad in a relationship. i think the only way to really start to let go is to cut him out for good and then you can begin healing again and really knowing how much more you deserve. i hope this doesn't hurt you anymore cause i really do only want you to be happy!" EC

I have the most amazing friends. I need you guys now more than ever. You have no idea how much your support helps me to get through all of this..<3