Good Morning! :)

Well, I guess technically it's not that much of the morning anymore, since it's 10:30. But oh well, I'm just now getting ready for the day. Whether that means I'm lazy or I'm just enjoying my Winter break, I'm not sure, and it doesn't really matter, I guess! :)

Let's see.. my break has been pretty awesome so far, filled with family and friends and some guy. ;) But yeah, it's been so nice to be home and NOT in the freezing cold snowy weather. Hopefully by the time I have to go back in a few weeks the snow will have STOPPED. I don't need any more craaazzyy blizzards in my lifetime, unless it's going to cancel finals again! ;)

But anyways, I'm spending most of the next few days with my girlfriends! I'm so excited. Me and Elizabeth are supposed to go to the beach today, and then I think I get to hang out with my girls from school tonight! I'm pretty excited, I have missed them! :) Which is kinda silly because I live with them most of the time, but maybe that's WHY I missed them! So there's that..

Tomorrow I get to work with my dad, which could be cool or a nightmare haha. I guess we'll see. He's had a lot of pain with his back lately (poor guy.. it's so not like him to need help with ANYTHING) and wants me to go in with him to help him out. Then I plan on hanging out with Lindsey! :) I'm pretty excited for everything lately! haha


Then I'm spending New Years out at the desert with some friends! It should be a great time! :)


Well, no emotional stuff in this post, all is well! I hope this post finds you well too!

Tata for now!

Determination.

I'm going to have it this New Year. I have just lost so much of myself over this past year, it's time to find ME again. I am getting fat and ugly and lonely and needy and I don't want that. It's time to be stronger, physically and mentally. I'm a strong woman and it's time to prove that to the world.

The word is 'Faithful' look it up. it don't mean sneaking around behind my back like you ain't getting enough The word is 'Easy' you better look it up and you'll see a picture of that piece of trash ridin' round in your pick-up truck

God wants you to know..

you are not to shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find and keep. The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it.


I really liked this one. <3

doubts.

i wonder if i made the wrong decision. i miss him and i love him. i guess i'll never know..

anyways. i have my exercise physiology lab final soon. i'm nervous but it's open notes so hopefully it will go well! then working tonight, which is good.. i need hours soo badly.. i'm soo broke it hurts! :(


anyways. i'm currently listening to dustin kensrue - "pistol". great song, you should listen to it!! can't wait for a guy to feel that way about me! yay..

Hello. It's a pretty bad day. What other way to express my bummed-ness than on my blog.

It's stupid so you should probably stop reading. But I'm just stuck. Really, really stuck. I'm trying to focus on friends and family, but honestly ALL my friends are finding REALLY great guys. They are all in strong, healthy relationships with guys who really care about them. It would be so much easier if I had my single, fun, crazy girlfriends around. But now.. it seems like everyone is finding happiness. I see them and I TRY sooo hard not to be jealous, to just be HAPPY for them.. but I just feel sad. It makes me sad. I want to be okay with being single, I AM okay with being single, but it's so hard to see everyone else soo happy and in love and know that I'm missing that love from my life.. :'(

I dunno what to do anymore.

Good morning

Hello everyone. Well, everyone who reads this. I hope you all have a beautifully blessed week! :)

I had the luck to get to go home for the past 5 days and i had SUCH a great time. It was different, not going to lie, spending soo much time with my family, whereas I used to spend the majority of my time trying to figure out when I would see my boyfriend. It was so nice! :) I enjoyed it so much. Playing with my little niece and nephew, hanging out with my sister and older niece, and my parents. Not to mention seeing all my extended family too! :) It was awesome, and I had such a great time. Didn't make it to the beach, AGAIN.. so that will have to be done a lot when I'm in town for winter break..

Speaking of winter break.. I come home for that in 11 little days! :) So this week is reading week (and I have 1 final) and then I have finals until the next Thursday and then it is back to home sweet home for me! :)


Hey, guys. I have a prayer request. I told Brett to stop texting me last night. After some conversation & tears (on my side at least), I think I got through to him. I just would love it if you guys would pray for strength for me. It's going to be hard to deal with this, I miss that guy EVERY day and I still want to love him, and I need help realizing that I AM strong enough to do this without him, without ANY guy for that matter.. that I need to stop focusing on needing or wanting a guy. Any prayers would help, or encouraging words, or advice, or anything. Thanks you guys, soo much. <3



xoxoxo.

turn out the lights, just say goodnight to yourself, may I remind you when you find your all alone is when you got to be STRONG! thats when he'll call you in the night, hes got your picture in his mind, hes got your number on a paper, at his disposal anytime. Is it really true? can you save yourself for someone who cou...ld love you for you, so many times we just give it away...

Being treated like crap is just not fun. Especially when it is by some of your closest friends. Like, I have a feeling that some of my closest friends, whom I have called my best friends for YEARS upon years, just don't really like me. I don't know why I feel this way, MAYBE it's my imagination. But I really don't feel like it is. I feel like they think that they are better than me, and that they don't really care about my feelings or our friendship at all for that matter. They only think about themselves and think that they are all high and mighty, like I can't see through their fake relationships with me.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to react to this realization.

But it sucks, a lot.

I wish they cared about how much it hurts not to be wanted. To not feel good enough to be their friend. It's stupid and I shouldn't care, but I love these girls, they ARE friends.. to me at least..


That's all..

Changes.

Well, I am kinda disgusted with myself. I have been sick this last week and haven't really been paying attention to the foods I have been eating, and when looking at my body, I can really tell. I'm grossed out when I look in the mirror. I'm going to start eating less again. Maybe with the exception of Thanksgiving day dinner. But that's it. I'm so over being fat and unattractive.

On the way to a whole new me..

so keep your head up

and for now just keep making it through the days

then after you're making it through, then you can start to try to feel better

and then you can start to rebuild.

its a process haha

Nothing New.

You've all heard this before, every single part of it. So I don't know why I still feel hurt by it.. or why anyone listens to my complaining anymore.. But I told Brett last night that I can't do it anymore. I wish that I could. But I care more than he does, and that doesn't seem fair to me. I have to take care of myself. It's hard. It's almost like it was easier to just pretend like the loved me as much as I wanted and needed him to.. even though he didn't.. It's going to be really hard to really let this go this time. I love that man with all my heart and was willing to wait, but I don't think he is ever going to love me that deeply. Not now at least, not while I'm here and he is there. Maybe someday, who knows. But I won't count on it. I'm going to post some of the encouraging words I got last night from my friends who were attempting to comfort me..

"Aww Trace. I don't know how either but you can and you will. You are my sister and we will get you through this." -AM

"But that's not good enough girl. you deserve something real. beacuse you're amazing. and you deserve someone who recognizes that and treats you like a princess." LD

"i know. but girl you're holding onto something that isn't really there.. that you just want to believe is there still :( and that's whats so hard is that you're used to it and you're comfortable. but you just need to know that you deserve better." LD

"exactly. you deserve someone who makes you happy all the time. not someone that you have to keep telling yourself will one daymake you happy or that he tries to love you but doesn't know how. you need someone who loves you and knows he does and does everything he can to show you that he does. someone like that does exist." LD

"Cry your heart out tonight girl. Then tomorrow is a new day, hold your head up and know that you're better off without him and that you're giving someone else the chance to really love you!" EC

"I know you did! But this happens every time, you always end up hurt and crying when he doesn't seem to do much. you deserve way better! seriously! i know you're thinking that i don't understand and that i don't know your guyss love, which is true, but i do know that you should be happier more times than sad in a relationship. i think the only way to really start to let go is to cut him out for good and then you can begin healing again and really knowing how much more you deserve. i hope this doesn't hurt you anymore cause i really do only want you to be happy!" EC




I have the most amazing friends. I need you guys now more than ever. You have no idea how much your support helps me to get through all of this..<3

Feels like...

Good morning! I don't have much time to write, but I just wanted to let my readers know that it is COLD in Flagstaff today. The first really really cold day we have had. The weather people said it is about 20-something outside, but feels like 17! Wow. Now I have to go brave this coooold weather!! Wish me luck!!

One Terrible Feeling...

is jealously. I hate being jealous. I know being jealous is not a good thing, but I honestly can't help it. When I look at them, when I see how happy they are together, I get jealous. Because that is exactly what I wanted. And I thought that we could have had that. I don't know why it's so hard for him to give me what he gives her. They make each other truly happy, and you can see that plain and simple. Maybe I was doing something wrong, but all I ever wanted to do was to make him as happy as he obviously makes her. They enjoy spending time together, it's not looked at like a bad thing, no one thinks that she is stealing him away from his friends.. I just don't get it. I wanted that so bad. I'm so jealous.

I know, I know. This is exactly why I have to let go.. because there IS some guy out there who will make me feel like she feels, and there is a guy out there who I can make the happiest he has ever been, like he is with her..


I guess it's all part of life, it's all part of growing up..

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn.

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn.

Hi There.

It's been a while since I posted, it seems like that's always what I say. I should be better about updating this- although who knows if anyone reads it!

Life is good, like always.
Roommate drama, well with one roommate. Chances are you already know about it. I'm not gonna go into detail on the web because that's immature haha. But yeah..

SCHOOL is crazy. I'm working super hard and am taking way too many units but that's nothing new.. i'm soo ready to be out of school already!!

let's see what else..
boys = stressful.

family= amazing, they were up here last weekend and we had so much fun going to the football game and we made a trip to the grand canyon, plus it was just so nice to see them, since i don't get to see them nearly enough! but i'm headed home in a few weekends and i'm SUPER excited about that :) although my dad won't be there :( i won't get to see him until thanksgiving! wayy too far away :( i miss him!!

i miss a lottt of people actually. my friends and my family for the most part.. i feel like i'm drifting away from everyone! i have been trying super hard to keep in touch with them better...


hmm that's all. i should get back to studying for my exercise physiology exam now..


goodbye my loves!!

I stole this from Miss Molly Marron. :) I liked it a lot and didn't want to forget it- so I'll write it in my blog.


'I’ll go out there and make my mistakes. I’ll fall down, get hurt, cry, laugh, love, and get back up. I’ll stand on the highest mountaintop and go into the deepest caverns, visit the moon and swim in outer space. I’ll let my imagination run wild... and let my spirit soar. Why? When my life flashes before my eyes, I want to have something worthwhile to watch, with plenty of love and laughter, good times and bad.'

xoxo,
Tracy

School.

How come it has to be soo hard? Classes are just starting to get SO in-depth, it's soo hard to take more than one at a time. I wish it WERE possible to take one class at a time so I could actually take my time to focus and understand every single little concept. It's just absolutely crazy how much there is to know about the human body- from my nutrition class AND in my exercise physiology class. I wish I could just understand it without having to study for somewhat of 10 hours a day! Sheesh! That's just insane!

Right now I have been studying for 3 hours just doing a study guide with 13 questions on it- and I'm not even done. It's for my exercise physiology lecture, I have an exam on Thursday. It's crazy too, the exam is T/F, MC & SHORT ANSWER. Yes short answer. AND for the T/F questions, we have to justify our answers. So basically you have to know your shit. I'm suuuper nervous about it. There is just SO MUCH information to know!


And to top it all off, I have another nutrition quiz tomorrow. I BOMBED the first one (it's ok because she drops 5). So after I finish this study guide, I have to start studying for that. AND we have an exam in Nutrition on Friday. Who gives a quiz the day before the exam? Strange. Whatever though.


I'm trying soo hard to do my best. Where is all the fun in college? Why am I genetically programmed to HAVE TO DO GOOD? How come I can't be okay with C's like everyone else?!?!!


Grrr.. this better pay off in the long run.


I want a boat. ASAP. Hahaha.

Okay, well back to studying about how much ATP you get from a 14 carbon fatty acid.. wooooo.

Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
I’m gonna clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
'Cause I'm so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
'Cause I break down
Every time you come around
O Oh O Oh

So how did you get here under my skin?
I swore that I'd never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go
'Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
is so addictive
We're falling together
you'd think that by now I'd know
cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you're always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it's no use
Can't be with or without you
O Oh O Oh

So how did you get hereunder my skin?
I swore that I'd never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go
[ Demi Lovato Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you is so addictive
We're falling together you’d think that by now I'd know
Cause here we go go go again
And again, and again, and again, and again, and again
I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
O oh o oh, o oh o oh

So how did you get here under my skin?
I swore that I'd never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you is so addictive
We're falling together you'd think that by now I'd know
Cause here we go go here we go again
Here we go again
Should have known better in trying to let you go
'Cause here we go go go again

Again (and again, and again)
Again (and again, and again)
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again

i'm the only person who still updates their blog..

but anyways. just a random note..
don't you hate when you take a nap at like 5 pm and then it throws off the entire rest of your day? i feel like it's almost bedtime. and i feel like i was sleeping foreverrr but really i only slept for an hour. hahaha. whatever, that's all. :)

updaaaate.

it always hurts so bad to see someone change. i mean, with a breakup, i guess it's to be expected. and part of me is glad i see him being stupid like he is because it just means he isn't that person that i wanted to settle down with. i miss him and i miss us, but this is what is best for us. i need to and want to be a young college student, and i have been having fun going out and partying and meeting new friends, and i'm glad he can be himself finally and party and do whatever he wants. it still makes me sick to see how he is now.. but this is life and it's mine.


i'll find someone better and it will all work out.


someone who is actually crazy about me.

not have to wake up in the morning wondering if you still care...









ANYWAYS..


i'm all settled in back in flagstaff. :) i moved in on friday, and my mom came to help me. i hung out with her on friday night, and then i went out to a party with melissa. we found out that we are masters of distracting boys on the other team, haha we had a great time. yesterday was a long day, been getting to know my new roommates, who are both very cool girls and we all get along really well, which is nice. then last night me and melissa stayed home and watched a movie.. and scoped out the super hot guy who lives across the courtyard from us.. hahahhaa.


today is my roomie's birthday and we are goign to run errands and then go out to dinner.


i start classes tomorrow!! soo crazy..

it's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

So much to look forward to..

and that is so true! I hope i never forget that. it drives me crazy that i have been so upset lately. I'm SO OVER MISSING HIM AND BEING SAD!!! okay, so i don't think i will stop missing him for a while because i loved him so deeply, but i do have faith that God is going to bring me someone WAY better who loves me more than he ever did, and it's going to completely sweep me off my feet.


so for now, i'm enjoying my last week at home. OMG i know right, how can i be going back to school already?!!? classes start next monday!!! i'm kind of excited-- i wanna do really well this semester!! my classes should be interesting. i'm hoping to make new friends this semester too- it's going to be great having so much freedom to do whatever i want!! :)



so so so much to look forward to.. :)


lots and lots of love..

It's hard to remember why I did it. I miss him so much. I just have to remember that he wasn't the same person that I fell in love with. Sure, I know he loves me.. But I think sometimes that isn't enough.. I miss him so much. I wish this never had to happen. I wish our relationship had been getting stronger instead of weaker. I wish he had wanted it as bad as I did. :(


So much for wishful thinking..
Where did it ever get anyone..


I go back to Flagstaff in a little over a week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm excited sometimes, because it will be fun to be able to do whatever I feel like doing, and I won't hurt anyones feelings or lose any trust from anyone. I can make new friends and meet new people, and maybe it will help me move on. But I'm also scared that I'm going to miss my family more than ever, who am I going to turn to when I just feel like crying? I can't get hugs from them when I feel lonely. I won't be able to call Brett just to talk to someone.. I won't be able to do any of that. So I'm scared. I don't know what to do.


I just feel so lost in life right now.
I don't feel like myself anymore..
Why did I lose that?
:(

i don't want this anymore. i know i made a mistake. i miss him, i love him, i want things to work for us. :( why can't they.

I miss him.

and i hate it. i wish it didn't have to be like this. i wish everything could have just gotten better and we could still just love one another.



i have a lot .. a LOT of growing up to do. :'(

Heartbreak.

It sucks. Really, really bad.


You guys, I never wanted to break up with Brett. It's hard having to DO it than having it done to you. I feel like this is all in my hands.. like it's all my fault. I honestly can't stop hurting, feeling like I made the wrong decision. I feel sick all the time, I can't stop sobbing. I wanted nothing more than to fix everything with him. I really, really did. I still wish I could. I want to try again. But you can only try so many times before you have to realize it won't work out, ever. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. SO FUCKING MUCH. This kills like nothing else :'( I want to know why it wouldn't work out for us. We were so perfect together, I still want him and no one else.

My mind doesn't work anymore..


Hopelessly (literally) in love..

Tracy.

:'(

A Stronger Woman.

I always want to be stronger. I am a strong person, and I know and believe that. It's so important that I am able to take care of myself, and to be able to do it with a smile on my face. I want to be happy, always, even through the toughest, most trying times. I know God is on my side, and how can I fail if I have Him?


XOXO,
Tracy

This weekend was a ton of fun!

I kicked off the weekend by going hiking with Shannon! It kicked my butt.. but it's something I want to keep doing, it was a lot of fun and a new way to exercise!! Then I worked all night, which was nothing special but at least I made some money!!

On Saturday we got up at the buttcrack of dawn and headed to the beach :) Me, Samie, Shannon and Rickie were there all day with some other awesome people joining us later in the day. We had such a great time just relaxing at the beach, and boogey-boarding & playing volley-ball, roasting hot dogs and chillin by the fire.. it was a perfect day at the beach!! :)


On Sunday I went riding with Brett and his friend Jarrett. It was a lot of fun watching my awesome boyfriend ride!! He's so great. It was HOT in the sun, but we still had lots of fun..


So needless to say, I'm pooped now after a great weekend in the sun.


Time to rest up for the next weekend.. River time!!! :)

Hello, July.

Hi everyone. I hope this post finds you all well. I'm just posting to remind myself of some things I guess. :)


These last few days I have been upset about things, and I don't know why. My heart hurt and I was just plain sad. I'm not even about to be PMSing, so it was bugging me a lot that I would be so upset over NOTHING at all. Unfortunately, I took it out on one of the people who loves me the most in my life, Brett. We fought and we fought and eventually worked it out. But I guess that's not the point of this blog.


I'm writing this to remind myself how strong I am. That I can make myself happy. Not alone, of course. My friends and my family make me the strong woman that I am today, and I'm not ready to lose that. I'm not ready to rely on other people to make me happy. I think that's probably why I started to get upset these last few days. Because no one was going out of their way to make ME happy. Hell, what makes me that special? I got to get out there and make it for myself. Life is good, I am an amazing woman, and I never, EVER want to forget that. :)

Surprise..

Me & Brett are talking again. I won't tell details on here, it's personal. But we're talking again, and taking things very slow.. it's going smoothly so far. it's hard for both of us to take it slowly.. but i'm standing firm in that.


i'm working at baskin robbins again.. lame, i know. but i needed money and something to do with all my spare time.

life is good. :)


k bye

A Difference..

I'm not going to say I'm feeling better, because I'm not. But for some reason, starting yesterday, I feel some sort of relief from all this heartbreak stuff. I'm going to miss him forever. I loved him with my whole heart, and that being taken away won't be an easy thing to get over. I'm prepared to deal with that. But I'm also determined to do whatever it takes to begin to feel better. I'm looking at all the good things in my life. I'm trusting in God, that this is all in his plan for me, and as much as I don't like it personally, He is working in my life. <3



I loved you Brett Browne, with all my heart, and I always will.
Xoxo.



Goodbye.

Answers...

I feel like I'm not healing. Sometimes I think I'm doing better, but then I just realize that I'm not. I know it's over between us. I know that. But I don't understand WHY. What happened? We were so happy, I KNOW we were happy.. Nothing was wrong until that sad day.. I don't know why he didn't want to work things out.. Why he actually wanted this.. Why he wanted me OUT of his life.. I don't understand how he can be totally fine and not heartbroken and falling apart like I am. Does he miss me? Does he think of me like I think of him? I know it shouldn't matter, but it crosses my mind. I'm so ready to let go, but I feel like I can't, because I just don't GET it. I really don't. And I don't think I ever will.


I miss him. I miss US. With my whole heart. :(


xoxo

I wish

I could work out all the time. It keeps my mind off of everything that's going on. I think I feel a bad addiction coming on. But hey- I paid $100 for a membership for the summer, why not use it to my advantage?! YAY for getting in shape like I've wanted too forever.. now I just have to avoid seeing that one guy there..

I hope he knows..

I hope he knows that I still love him. I hope he knows how much I miss him, and how much this kills me, every day it hurts still. I hope some part of him misses me too.. :(

My weekend..

Well, I made it through the first weekend since the breakup. I had fun, I'm not going to lie. I have missed my friends, and I didn't even know it. I'm looking forward to the day when my fun time with them isn't followed by coming home and crying. I know that day is coming, I know it is. Every time I'm with my friends I can see that glimmer of hope.. The fact that I'm becoming a better, stronger person from this is undeniable. It's still hard. I question this every day. I don't know why this happened. I really don't GET IT. And that's the hardest part.. How do two people who are so madly in love with each other become strangers? How does that happen..?


But there is hope.. I know there is.


This week I have to contact some people about internships. I wish I had just done it right away when I got home. I'm nervous. I don't like talking to people on the phone about stuff. It's weird haha.. But I have to grow up and just do it, I guess. Haha.. Easier said than done.

AND I need to start looking around for a job. It sucks because I really want to be picky about it. I really don't want a job where I have to work on the weekends. I want that time to be able to spend with my friends and family and go on vacations.. but I also want some money..

I want money so I can buy new clothes.. I want to look good (now that I'm single.. jk I'm definitely NOT dating.. for like.. ever.. I'm so over it.) And I want to buy myself a Tiffany&Co ring, really really badly. And then start saving up to buy a macbook.. I've heard they're amazing, and after my piece of crap laptop, I could use something amazing.


Well, I think I've written enough. I'm getting tired, I guess it's bedtime..



Hopeful...
Goodnight, xoxo.

Question..

What do you do.. when the person you used to run to for comfort, for support, the person who could make you happy no matter what..

isn't in your life anymore :(




I hope this blog stops being about this soon.. :(

If I think about it..

I really am not ready to date. Definitely not ready to date guys at this age. What guy that I know at this age is really looking for a SERIOUS relationship? None of them. They think they are, but then they freak out when they think long-term, and you end up getting your heart broken. I don't want to ever have a broken heart again.

Change of heart.

Brett broke up with me. And I don't understand. I know I have to stop questioning it, and just accept it and move on, but I can't. I don't know how. Everything was so perfect for me, I don't know how it wasn't for him. I'm so hurt. I'm so angry that I am so hurt. He is such an amazing guy, how did I lose him? I didn't do anything wrong, I know I didn't. How does love just slip away like that? It's not fair, it's not fair at all to let yourself fall in love with someone for them to just walk away. I feel like an idiot. Like I was made a fool of. I don't know where to find comfort, I just don't know what to do. The "what-if's" are over, I'm not trying to figure out what I could have done.. I just wonder why this happened. HOW COULD HE NOT WANT US ANYMORE?! I just don't know..


I was willing to work everything out. I wanted so bad to salvage our relationship. Nothing was wrong in the first place, how could it end with just one stupid fight? I'm so in shock, this doesn't seem real.. It really doesn't. I miss him with my whole heart. I love him with everything I have. But it hurts to feel these feelings because I know he isn't coming back this time. He is gone. He isn't mine.


I just wish the memories would disappear. For right now at least. They hurt so bad to think about. We just recently had so much fun doing so many things. We had so many plans for life.. It all seemed to work out perfectly. I wanted to love him with everything I had.. I just don't know what to do, I just want to feel better.


And I am sorry to say, but I hope he regrets this. :(


I love you Brett Browne, and I ALWAYS, ALWAYS will...

Every girl...

wants to feel wanted. wants to feel like she's loved.
especially when she's in a relationship.
it's almost harder to not feel those feelings
when you know you should be.

so right now, all you can do is take a break.
not a real break, but a break for yourself.
just relax, be happy, have a little fun,
smile, laugh, feel like yourself again.


:) xoxo.



everything is going to be okay,
just dance ♥

You just have to remember...

There will always be off-days. Days when it's not all smiles and kisses. But that's okay. We don't have to be perfect..

Blah.


Hopelessly in love.

Being Freshly Blonde..

probably one of the best feelings in the world :)


i'm having a good summer so far.
that is all. :) kbye.

That's all folks!!

I'm finally done with this semester! It has been one crazy, stressful, dramatic, frustrating week!! I'm so so glad it's over. I'm praying for an easy drive home tomorrow!!

So, you know how in my last blog, about finals week? How I was complaining about having 7:30 finals EVERY day this week.. WELL.. OBVIOUSLY it's a stupid idea, because I have been getting up at 6:20 am every day.. and today well guess what.. I FREAKING SLEPT THROUGH MY ALARM!!! :( I have NEVER in my life done that before today. It sucks. My final started at 7:30 and I didn't wake up until 7:47. AH!!! I basically ran to class. It's been a hectic day ever since I woke up!! I had another final after that, my heart still beating like crazy ever since I woke up.. and then came back and have been packing ever since!! My legs are killing me by now. Luckily I had a LOT of help from my friends like Scott, Maurice & Melissa. It would have been much worse without them!!!



Anyways, I'm going to bed now. Because tomorrow I'm driving home! EW to an 8 hour drive.. hopefully it goes by fast! I'm gonna try to be home by 3 when Brett gets off work :)


Bye Guys!! Happy Summer!! ♥

Current Struggles.

Lately I have been praying a lot. I won't go into detail, because I don't want to start any drama. But I hope she knows I'm praying for her. And that I have been praying for patience, and understanding, and trying to not be selfish...


♥ I hope God can help me soon, because honestly, I can't do it on my own. I'm about to lose my cool. All I can do is get away..

I can't wait..

FiNALS WEEK....

It's sooo stinkin stressful. Right now I'm studying for physics, ALL day. Because I can't pay attention in class because my teacher is TERRIBLE.. so here I am, trying to teach myself, the day before the final. Haha...oops..


Anyways, I don't get "finals week" I think it's like the worst idea ever. To cram all my finals within 72 hours of each other? My brain gets so mixed up with what I'm studying that it's so so hard to remember anything!! So I try to study for one thing each day, but honestly, one day of studying a subject is not enough to get an A on the final! Grrr.. But I guess I have no choice. So today, I'll study for physics. Then my physics final is at 7:30 AM tomorrow. Then, after that, I'll study for Anatomy & Physiology. Then that final is at 7:30 AM on Wednesday. Then on Wednesday, I'll have to double up, and study for Biology AND for Psychology, which finals I have on Thursday. It's just all going so fast I feel like I have absolutely no time to prepare!!


(and as I write this complaint about not having enough time to study- I'm sitting here on my computer.. haha)


Anyways, then on Thursday I'm packing up my stuff and then on Friday I'm heading home for summer! It should be an AWESOME summer this year :) Me and Brett are stronger than EVER and I am SO happy, my girlfriends are awesome and I'm pretty sure we are all closer than EVER as well.. It's great!! And my family is just so much fun and I plan on spending as much time with them as I can.. I'm not planning on working, I think I can make the few months on the money I have.. which will give me less money to go out to eat with, which hopefully will help me get in shape like I need to!! :) So this summer will be filled with friends, fun, my loverbutt, sunshine, family && MORE FUN!!!! :)


AH IM SO EXCITED!!!! See you all soon!!!


xoxo!

Happiness :)

It's awesome. I have never been more in love than I am lately. I know it's so cheesy, and usually that stuff makes me laugh.. but HE'S AMAZING!!! It's been one hell of a year, with crazy highs and crazy lows.. but I'm so so happy I gave him that one last chance.. these last few months have been nothing but love, I am the LUCKIEST girl ever!!! :)


On Wednesday I got a dozen long-stem red roses sent to my dorm, sooo sso so sweet!! and then I spent this weekend with him and he just makes me the happiest girl. even our stupid little arguments only last for like 2 minutes then he is making me smile again :) i love love love it!!! oh and by the way i came home with yet another piece of tiffanys jewelry :) AH!!!!!! I hate that he does that!!! he surprises me and makes me so so so so so so happy..


no seriously, i am theeeee luckiest girl ever!!!



just thought i would share with the world :)

Let's SEEEEEEEE..

I need to take my nails off. I'm so sick of them. I don't know why I get them done anymore- as much as I like them, it's such a huge waste of money.. like seriously $500 a year if you get them done every month.. I would rather use that money for something else for sure.

I need to get my hair done- it looks like crap right now.. but there's not much I can do about that since my hairdresser is in San Diego, and I won't be there for another 3 weeks.. (going to school out of state is such an inconvenience)!!

I need to get my eyebrows waxed.. they look like crap too! Oh well, I can always resort to tweezing them.. which i HATE doing.


Most of all, I NEED TO GET BETTER! I am sick right now and it's soo annoying!! I just don't want to be sick- it means I had to stop my working out routine I was on, I have to just lay around and let myself get better- which is SO annoying because I have a lot of things to get done before next weekend..


By The way,,,, NEXT WEEKEND IS STAGECOACH!! I get to see my loverbutt and I'm soooo excited!! Just as excited as I am to see my mommy && my bestie!!!!!!!! yay :)



k bye, hope you all are doing well!!!

life's good

I run my life..
or is it running me?
Run from my past,
I run too fast..
or too slow it seems..




LOVE this song.
LOVE this part.
So freaking true.
I feel like I can't keep up with my life!!
But it seems like it's flying by..
can't wait for summer,
i hope it's pretty chill...


♥ lots of river trips..
lots of beach time..
hopefully a fun job with kids :)

Home is where the heart is..

I wish that my weekends didn't suck so much. I wish I had real friends who invited me places, and wanted to hang out. I wish I didn't have to sit alone all day every day. I wish I could go home and at least hang out with my parents, or go hang out with my sister. Or even go somewhere like the beach, to hang out by myself. I wish I felt like I belonged. I don't feel like I belong here. When I go into stores, when I go into restaurants, I don't feel at home. When I'm in San Diego, everyone is so friendly, you feel like a part of the community. That's what I miss. I feel like I'm alone here. Hell, I AM alone here. I'll sit here today and I'll do homework, and study, alone. Because no one will bother to invite me anywhere, no friend wants to go have lunch with me, I have made no friends who honestly care about me, no one that I would have fun with if I were to hang out with them. I wish I had the time to leave Flagstaff on the weekends, to go home, or even down to Phoenix to hang out with people who actually care about me.


Did I bring this upon myself?
What did I do?

I only ever use this thing to complain..

No, i love my life. I really, really do. Just in case you read this and think that I don't. Haha. I do. I love my life.


But anyways, on to the complaining:

I'm so sick of FAKE friends. If you're going to ditch me for a party, just tell me the truth. Yeah, I'll be mad, but I'm more mad that you lied about it, after we had been planning on hanging out for a few days. OH and gee, other friend, THANKS for inviting me to go to a party with you, and oh my gosh you even offered to drive. Too bad I'm not STUPID and I know you only did that because you don't have a car here, and you knew it would be rude to ask me to take you to a party. I'M NOT STUPID!!! Gosh people. I thought, coming into college, that I would make at least ONE good friend. Ok, so I did. Melissa is the best roommate and a pretty awesome friend. It's just that I expected so much more, a better place. But EVERYONE is so freaking two-faced, and I miss my real best friends from home. WHATEVER.


&& I'm still SICK of this cold weather. it's 36 right now. yep, seriously.. wow. hate my life. haha. no i don't but you know what i mean.



Anyways, stagecoach is in 25 days :) I'm SOOOOOOOO excited!!! My loverbutt actually surprised me and followed through with getting a ticket and so he's going too!! YAY i'm SO excited about that!! and on top of that, my bestie foreverrr got her ticket too!! so we're all going to have so much fun!! YAY!!

now, just like 4 exams to get through before that.. && a few huge assignments.. and work.. no big deal.. ha.


peace out kids ♥

Update!

Hey, soo it's been a while since I updated- I was too busy having fun on my BUSY spring break to really write in here-

I had a fantastic spring break, really busy trying to see everyone but i did my best and ended up having a ton of fun!! spent a lot of time with the boy, which was nice and definitely needed. i'm so in love with him!! he's amazing to me. :) and my friends are so so much fun, i'm glad that we haven't all changed much.. well thats not true.. but we all still have so much fun hanging out together :)


hmm let's see. i never remember what to write about in here. this week at school has been kind of weird- i don't have any exams to really study for right now.. and i feel kinda weird with nothing to do.. but then if i think about it i have a LOT to do.. i really need to find a job for summer.. i think i'm going to apply at the gym at the YMCA.. or work at project safe maybe? I don't know. either would be fun. :) buttttt thinking about it stresses me out!! haha.


OH AND!! i remember what i can complain about. I'M SICK OF THIS COLD WEATHER!!!!!!!! IT'S FREAKING FREEZING HERE STILL!!! NO I'M SERIOUS!! IT'S FREAKING 24 OUT. I'm definitely a california girl- i HATE the cold weather. it's super super annoying. i'm so freaking over it. it better warm up here soon- i don't know how much longer i can take this..



anyways.. i guess i'm gonna have to find something to do now :) haha. bye guys

:)

Spring Break started today for me! I went to class, then worked, then packed, and then now here I am, writing about how happy I am :)

Tomorrow: drive home, go to Davids Bridal with my mom to try on the dress for Amy's wedding :) (wish I could go with you & the rest of the girls, Ames!!)
Sunday: hang out with the boy all day (since it's his only day off work while I'm home) && go to dinner with his dad & Joann that night..
Monday: Lunch with my wonderful sister & grandma :) && Then I forget, probably hanging out with the boy after he gets off..
Tuesday: Beach day with the girls!! Then meeting Brett for dinner between his work & school..
Wednesday: Going to Body Worlds with my Mom!!! SO EXCITED!! && then laying out and going out to dinner with the girls, Then hanging out with my mom that night, watching LOST and stuff :)
Thursday: Laying out during the day, relaxing, then doing surprise stuff, then watching my daddy & my loverbutt play softball :)
Friday: laying out during the day, then getting dressed up and going out for a fancy dinner with my babe :) then probably hanging out the rest of the night..
Saturday: laying out againnn, then hanging out with the boy when he gets off work, going to his nieces birthday party?
Sunday: driving back to flagstaff && working that night. :(


SO EXCITEDDD it's going to be a very busy but very funnn spring break!!

I feel summer creepin in.. & I'm tired of this town, again..

♥ Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.. I'm in LOVE with this song lately!! I feel my hippy side coming out lately, for sure. Maybe Flagstaff is finally starting to influence me, hahaha.


Anyways, all my exams are FINALLY over!!
Bio 182: 80%
Psych 101: 86 %
Physics: 61%
Bio 202: i don't know yet..


I'm kinda frustrated with the grades because I studied SO HARD for all of these exams.. but I guess they aren't TOO bad. I know the physics one looks bad, but the class average was a 50%.. so there's that.. and our professor might have made an error when making the scantron key, so that might have something to do with that too.. && I hope I did good on my anatomy & physiology test!!! Anywayss...



Nowwww ALL MY EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!! YAY!!! Spring Break, here I come!!

March 6th.

Hey there. So, this week was a suuuuper stressful one, and I'm glad it's over! I had threeee exams. SO crazy, right? a biology one, a physics one (impossibly hard!) and a psychology one. I studied SO hard so I can actually get a decent GPA in my classes this semester.. i really really want to. haha. so just one test left until spring break.. it's my anatomy and physiology one. i hope it goes okay. i'm kinda nervous about it. even though it's my 2nd time taking the class.. the last guy was so bad that it kinda seems like it's my first time learning all this haha. soooo my weekend will be consumed with studying for that and working. how exciting, right?!

anyways.. what else is new.
...still homesick. but SB is in like a week, so that's good. this weekend is brett's birthday & i wish i could be there with him.. it's super hard but i'm coping..


umm.. yeah i dunno, life is pretty boring. i've been trying to eat healthy and walk more places than i drive.. doesn't seem to be working.. oh well.. and trying to be nicer to anyone and everyone.. cause everyone likes nice people and umm and yeah i guess that's it.

Spring Break.

I go home in about two and a half weeks for Spring Break. I was so excited. I mean, I still am excited, it will be a nice break from the cold windy weather in Flagstaff, and hopefully I'll get to see all my girlies and my family, too. But today I found out that I'll hardly get to see my boyfriend. With him working every day until 5:00 pm, on Saturday, too. And the day he ISN'T working until 5, he goes to school until 8:30 pm. :( So the ONLY day he doesn't work is on Sunday, and yeah, you guessed it; I'm leaving that day to come back to Flagstaff. I like can't snap out of this bummed out mood right now. :( I really really really hate this. It sucks so so bad. :(


I mean, I know Spring Break will still be fun, and it's not like I DON'T get to see him at all, it's just really really sucky that I will hardly get to see the love of my life.. until Summer really. :(

Don't bother reading this..

it's just me complaining. you know you're getting fat when clothes that seriously fell off of you when you bought them.. FIT you now. like seriously? fuck my liiife. :( i ate a nice big kids meal tonight from burger king because it was definitely my last gross meal. i'm done. seriously. summer is coming up and i want to look CUTE and skinny. i wanna have skinny freaking legs that look cute in shorts. like seriously, we're going back to junior year status tomorrow. going to go grocery shopping after work. fsjdoijogijsdf GAHHHHHHH its killing me. i am seriously just so so so disgusted with myself that i let it get to this point. well.. good news.. it's all going to change... new & improved tracy..coming soon!!!

Where I am Today.

I'm seriously so grateful for the people I have in my life. I feel like we are all growing up, and doing so seperately, but I honestly know that my girls will always be there, eventually it's going to be so fun to catch up again someday when we all are married with kids.. :)


Anyways. That's not really what this post is supposed to be about. I know it's cheesy, but I have an AMAZING boyfriend. He honestly wants nothing but to see me happy. It's ridiculous how much he cares for me. I'm happy that I ended up here. Especially today. I won't go into exact reasons WHY today especially made me thankful for Brett, but it definitely did. Brett is an amazing person and I'm totally in love with him, can't wait to see where life takes us. ♥ :)

Valentines Day Weekend : Recap

I know I'm probably only saying this and feeling this way because I just left TODAY.. But I HATE this whole long-distance relationship thing. It's absolutely TERRIBLE. I'm so completely in love and i hate having to leave. i hate that 8 hour drive home more and more every time, but i do it because if i didn't i wouldn't see the man i love nearly enough. it's so annoying that it's something i have to do. i know i have to go to school here, and i know that NAU is the right school for my education, but i MISS him. it sucks to have to leave. i know he loves me and i know it's going to all work out, but that doesn't make it any easier. it's still hard to leave and it's hard to be without him..


anyways.


Valentines day weekend. it was good. :). i went home on thursday && we did my birthday with my family and then brett worked on friday & we went out to dinner on friday night and hung out afterwards.. then went to bed and on saturday we ran around doing different things and then went to supercross, which was super fun, more fun than the phoenix one.. and then hung out more and then sunday we hung out and stuff and it was honestly amazing just to spend so much time with brett. he really makes me so happy, we can honestly be ourselves around each other and have the greatest time. its awesome. we got to see both of our families a lot, which is nice, i am loving his fam more and more! :) then i had to do that sucky goodbye-thing this morning. it never gets easier. ever. i hate it.



anyways. the drive home was pretty terrible. not as bad as it coulda been. it rained through the mountains near home, then was clear the rest of the way. nice not to have snow like i thought i was going to have to drive through. and now i'm back here.


i'm starving and i have no food in my room :( sad. i guess i'll just go to bed now haha.



see ya'll later!

Snow.

WHY does everyone love it? I happen to hate it. The snow SUCKS. It's inconvienent. And it's even more so inconvienient because I am leaving on Thursday. I almost wrote "supposed to be leaving on Thursday" but that's not true because there is no way that I'm not going home this weekend. I'm going home to spend Valentines day with my boyfriend, and I'm not giving that up. WHY the hell did it have to snow?! Seriously... I'm like about to break down in tears because I am so frustrated. We all know I'm a California girl, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IN THE FREAKING SNOW!!!! I'm really really nervous about it and I don't even know how to put chains on either. What the hell am I supposed to do? I wish I didn't have to drive alone. I won't be comfortable again until I'm BACK in Flagstaff next Monday. :-( Pray for me pleaseee..

Happy February!!

:-) I like February.. because it's my birthday month.. AND because it is a nice short month.. it goes by fast.. which makes it seem like we're getting somewhere.. it will be March before we know it! :-) Woo!! Anyways, let me catch you all up.

Me & Brett got back together. I know, you all think I'm crazy.. but WE'RE crazy. (about each other!) .. haha that's cheesy, but it's true!! I won't go into details about it, but now you know. Anyways, we went to the desert this weekend. It was my first time going with him and we had so much fun! :-) I love watching him ride the dunes, he's pretty dang good! But other than that, we just hung out with everyone.. My daddy surprised me with a cake for my birthday, the whole camp singing happy birthday, so that was nice!!

Me & the girls are doing good again- sometimes you just have to accept that other people are just busy && that doesn't really change your friendship.. but we both decided to try harder, at least a little bit, to stay in touch!! Which is awesome! Because I miss those girls like crazy while I'm at school!!


Anywaysss.. Other than those updates, life has been BUSY!!! REALLY REALLY super super super stinkin' busy. EVERY week. it doesn't slow down. It REALLY doesn't. I'm seriously going crazy, but I think in reality I'm actually starting to get used to it, which is nice..


Like today. I woke up, and I went to class, then got a bagel (which I still haven't eaten haha) and then now I have to do homework until I go to work at 1, and I get off at 6 and I have to do laundry and maybe go to target, but I have SO much homework!! Seriously.. Two tests this week on Thursday (my birthday..sad!!) && two physics assignments due before then, && two quizzes in my labs tomorrow.. I'm going crazy!!



Dazed & Crazed,
Tracy

I've written about this before..

There's no doubt about that. I WANT TO FREAKING LOSE WEIGHT!!! Ahhh. I was looking in the mirror today and I just do NOT like what I see!! I wanna be able to wear cute short shorts in the summertime.. and have cute skinny muscular legs ...not the big fat ones that I currently have!! Ohhh why must it be SO hard to eat healthy at school? They say it's easy, but really it's NOT!! errrrr.. Whateverrrrr.


I need more time. haha

Things Change..

So much has changed recently. Winter Break wasn't everything I expected. I miss my best friends so much. I feel like.. I dunno.. like I'm the only one who still cares. I want us three to go back to being so close.. I HATE not hearing from them every day.. I miss them so much. :( Maybe it's all my fault.. maybe I pushed them away, I don't know. I don't know when things changed.. Girls if you read this I miss you so much. I miss us being US so much.. Sigh. :(

Continuation of Whining..

So I guess it's all hitting me right now. Hopefully it's one of the last times.. It's bittersweet, that's for sure. I'm packing up to get ready to leave tomorrow.. Leave Santee.. I'm going to have an amazing weekend.. going to Phoenix and hanging out with some really good friends, then going to Supercross on Saturday.. but right now I'm not excited. Because I know that leaving here means I'm really leaving without him. He's really gone.. he's really not mine anymore.. the breakup really happened and I'm really going to have to get on with my life. :( I miss him so much.. I wish I could be happy all the time and never get sad when I think about it.. But it's weird leaving without making plans to be with him tonight.. It'll be weird without having a kiss goodbye.. :( It'll be sad.. really sad.. it's really over.. :(

Somedays vs Other Days..

I guess some days I'm just going to wake up and miss him. Last night I was doing so good, getting to know new people.. then all of a sudden I felt really sad. I miss him. So much. :(

I know I just posted but..

"But the fact of the matter is that theres not one person that i know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. And her big problem is that you really like her. I mean, she is the one girl you really liked. And no matter what she did and how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance."

-The Breakup.

New Years. 2009...

The night was good. It was hard, like I was expecting it to be, but it was good. We went up to Samie's aunts house in Jamul and had a bunch of friends together and drank and had a good time. I shed my really sad, painful tears at midnight.. It was so so hard to watch basically EVERYONE there kissing someone and just knowing how happy they are.. and that I had that before and now I don't.. it really broke my heart. But my friends pulled me together and I ended up having a fun night.

I've been trying to stay busy as much as I can, and let myself relax when I feel the sadness building up inside. I would be doing much better, but I let myself talk to Brett again these last few days, and my heart just broke again. So, from now on.. I know I can't do that. It sucks because I'm really going to miss him.. I'm so in love with him and I care about him so much.. I really wish that we could have worked things out.. But I guess it's better to be out now than later on down the road when things got more serious and we got more involved.. But he's really one of those amazing boys who will have an amazing life.. and I hope I run into him again later on down the road..


As for 2009..

I want to be more independent. I want to be able to find more happiness within myself. And not need ANY other person to bring that happiness to me. But I don't mean that I will shut other people out. Rather, I want to use my self-happiness to make other people happy. Anyone, really. Family, friends, complete strangers.. If I can brighten the day of another person then I will be happy. I want to let this pain go away, slowly but surely. I want to learn from the love I had. I want to open my heart again, not to another man, but to the world.. I want to learn something new. I want to do something that I've always wanted to do. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to learn more in school. I want 2009 to be MY year. Mine, alone.