The night was good. It was hard, like I was expecting it to be, but it was good. We went up to Samie's aunts house in Jamul and had a bunch of friends together and drank and had a good time. I shed my really sad, painful tears at midnight.. It was so so hard to watch basically EVERYONE there kissing someone and just knowing how happy they are.. and that I had that before and now I don't.. it really broke my heart. But my friends pulled me together and I ended up having a fun night.
I've been trying to stay busy as much as I can, and let myself relax when I feel the sadness building up inside. I would be doing much better, but I let myself talk to Brett again these last few days, and my heart just broke again. So, from now on.. I know I can't do that. It sucks because I'm really going to miss him.. I'm so in love with him and I care about him so much.. I really wish that we could have worked things out.. But I guess it's better to be out now than later on down the road when things got more serious and we got more involved.. But he's really one of those amazing boys who will have an amazing life.. and I hope I run into him again later on down the road..
As for 2009..
I want to be more independent. I want to be able to find more happiness within myself. And not need ANY other person to bring that happiness to me. But I don't mean that I will shut other people out. Rather, I want to use my self-happiness to make other people happy. Anyone, really. Family, friends, complete strangers.. If I can brighten the day of another person then I will be happy. I want to let this pain go away, slowly but surely. I want to learn from the love I had. I want to open my heart again, not to another man, but to the world.. I want to learn something new. I want to do something that I've always wanted to do. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to learn more in school. I want 2009 to be MY year. Mine, alone.
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