i'm the only person who still updates their blog..

but anyways. just a random note..
don't you hate when you take a nap at like 5 pm and then it throws off the entire rest of your day? i feel like it's almost bedtime. and i feel like i was sleeping foreverrr but really i only slept for an hour. hahaha. whatever, that's all. :)

updaaaate.

it always hurts so bad to see someone change. i mean, with a breakup, i guess it's to be expected. and part of me is glad i see him being stupid like he is because it just means he isn't that person that i wanted to settle down with. i miss him and i miss us, but this is what is best for us. i need to and want to be a young college student, and i have been having fun going out and partying and meeting new friends, and i'm glad he can be himself finally and party and do whatever he wants. it still makes me sick to see how he is now.. but this is life and it's mine.


i'll find someone better and it will all work out.


someone who is actually crazy about me.

not have to wake up in the morning wondering if you still care...









ANYWAYS..


i'm all settled in back in flagstaff. :) i moved in on friday, and my mom came to help me. i hung out with her on friday night, and then i went out to a party with melissa. we found out that we are masters of distracting boys on the other team, haha we had a great time. yesterday was a long day, been getting to know my new roommates, who are both very cool girls and we all get along really well, which is nice. then last night me and melissa stayed home and watched a movie.. and scoped out the super hot guy who lives across the courtyard from us.. hahahhaa.


today is my roomie's birthday and we are goign to run errands and then go out to dinner.


i start classes tomorrow!! soo crazy..

it's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

So much to look forward to..

and that is so true! I hope i never forget that. it drives me crazy that i have been so upset lately. I'm SO OVER MISSING HIM AND BEING SAD!!! okay, so i don't think i will stop missing him for a while because i loved him so deeply, but i do have faith that God is going to bring me someone WAY better who loves me more than he ever did, and it's going to completely sweep me off my feet.


so for now, i'm enjoying my last week at home. OMG i know right, how can i be going back to school already?!!? classes start next monday!!! i'm kind of excited-- i wanna do really well this semester!! my classes should be interesting. i'm hoping to make new friends this semester too- it's going to be great having so much freedom to do whatever i want!! :)



so so so much to look forward to.. :)


lots and lots of love..

It's hard to remember why I did it. I miss him so much. I just have to remember that he wasn't the same person that I fell in love with. Sure, I know he loves me.. But I think sometimes that isn't enough.. I miss him so much. I wish this never had to happen. I wish our relationship had been getting stronger instead of weaker. I wish he had wanted it as bad as I did. :(


So much for wishful thinking..
Where did it ever get anyone..


I go back to Flagstaff in a little over a week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm excited sometimes, because it will be fun to be able to do whatever I feel like doing, and I won't hurt anyones feelings or lose any trust from anyone. I can make new friends and meet new people, and maybe it will help me move on. But I'm also scared that I'm going to miss my family more than ever, who am I going to turn to when I just feel like crying? I can't get hugs from them when I feel lonely. I won't be able to call Brett just to talk to someone.. I won't be able to do any of that. So I'm scared. I don't know what to do.


I just feel so lost in life right now.
I don't feel like myself anymore..
Why did I lose that?
:(

i don't want this anymore. i know i made a mistake. i miss him, i love him, i want things to work for us. :( why can't they.

I miss him.

and i hate it. i wish it didn't have to be like this. i wish everything could have just gotten better and we could still just love one another.



i have a lot .. a LOT of growing up to do. :'(

Heartbreak.

It sucks. Really, really bad.


You guys, I never wanted to break up with Brett. It's hard having to DO it than having it done to you. I feel like this is all in my hands.. like it's all my fault. I honestly can't stop hurting, feeling like I made the wrong decision. I feel sick all the time, I can't stop sobbing. I wanted nothing more than to fix everything with him. I really, really did. I still wish I could. I want to try again. But you can only try so many times before you have to realize it won't work out, ever. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. SO FUCKING MUCH. This kills like nothing else :'( I want to know why it wouldn't work out for us. We were so perfect together, I still want him and no one else.

My mind doesn't work anymore..


Hopelessly (literally) in love..

Tracy.

:'(